A More Comprehensive Guide To Overcoming Depression -- Be A Free Thinker!

March 28, 2020

Mission: Joy

“What on earth do you want from me?!!!” I’d ask (or should I say yell to) God, whom I believed was hiding somewhere deep inside of me. 

 “What is the matter with you? How can you continue to remain so indifferent to my suffering?” This type of raging anger would always be present while I’d attempt to end my life in the past. 

 I’d never wait for an answer, since I knew too well that it wasn't coming. God had let me down more than once before. As a matter of fact, it felt as if He had proven to me, over and over again, that He couldn't care less whether I lived, or how I lived. My existence appeared too small for Him to even notice. It felt as if I was simply too small, too guilty of some “original sin,” too stupid, not good enough, and even too ugly to be of any significance to God. 

 My hatred and anger, especially towards my own self, which kept refusing to stop eating me alive from within, felt like a life sentence I had to serve for somehow, somewhere disobeying some Deity. 

 Despite going to Church and praying as if my life depended on it, God seemed absent when I was being abused as a child, and had no other choice but to live in a constant state of fear, day after day. It didn't look like He cared that my stomach was empty more often than not. 

 Obviously He did nothing to prevent some awful people from shaping my destiny that involved going through such a deep trauma, like being placed in an orphanage, while watching dear close family members falling apart. 

 The additional trauma of being taken in a car to a dark forest and being raped by a stranger felt more like a “justified” punishment from the Omnipotent than a tragedy from which (I’d later find out) nobody knows how to fully recover. Perhaps feeling dishonored, ashamed and utterly powerless, while silently begging Virgin Mary to put a ward to Her Son, so my life would get spared, was supposed to teach me some kind of life’s lesson... 

 Through the circumstances, God kept “telling” me that I was worthless. Worthless of being respected, loved and protected. Worthless of His time and energy. Did I ever feel even a little bit worthy of being cherished, perhaps? Don't even get me started on that… How could I? 

 “Abandoned and Forgotten by God” could have been the title of the movie if it was made based on my life. 

 Then finally, long and excruciatingly painful four decades later, God decided to answer: 

 “Give yourself what you want from me, because ---- you are me.” 

 Well then... let’s do exactly that! 


 It’s one thing to believe that God resides within you, and a totally different feeling to watch your external world being smashed into pieces, as if some Dark Force took a spin to see how much damage it could cause, knowing that no one would be there to stop it. 

 The circumstances could not have turned out any worse. The sky had fallen on me and it had brought a million heavy bricks with it. My husband, who had been falsely accused of raping a fourteen year old girl, and who finally after spending a year behind bars took a “plea bargain” to get out of jail, was sent back to prison for ten years. His probation was revoked for supposedly “not making any progress in group therapy.” 

 Few years later I found myself being falsely accused as well: “terroristic threatening.” Some woman who in an attempt to get back at me made up a story of me shooting at her with a BB gun, called 911. Even though she had retrieved her statement shortly after, and I was never charged, I still went through the humiliation of being arrested, and the terror of being held in a windowless cell for two hours. 

 Six months later the immigration officers, following the police arrest records, came to my door to arrest me again. Their goal: removal proceedings. 

 Immigration court hearings, spending money on the attorneys, missing my husband, all that was part of my daily routine for years, while I’d support myself by driving people for a living... 

 To feel as if almost the Devil himself had taken a personal interest in me, to show me (once again) how vulnerable and unprotected by God’s love I was, had not been a pleasant experience. To relive the old traumas, while facing the darkness of the world without the denial felt more than excruciating. 

 Once again, I felt abandoned; by the world and by God. 

 There is no way to describe the agony I was going through. There are very few words, if any, that could explain the pain and the fear I had to overcome to be in a car, day after day, with perfect strangers, after what had happened to me in the car, in the forest when I was eighteen... 

 The hatred towards all people that I had felt had skyrocketed. The fear of them, and what they could do, had erased all the compassion I had for humanity. 

 Considering that I still had no clue as to how God had imagined that I’d give myself what I wanted, and the fact that my feelings towards our Creator were still bruised, (to say the least) I had decided to summon the help from Angels. Desperate times call for desperate measures... 

 Strangely enough I found it much easier to imagine that Angels would make an effort to assist me. Picturing God stepping down onto Earth to rescue His forgotten, intensely mistreated child felt entirely unfeasible. Waiting for the Second Coming of Christ did not feel like an obtainable option, either. 

Angels became my only hope, my only “light at the end of the tunnel.” Every single day, while working 3 am to 2 pm shifts, I’d call on my Heavenly Friends with my mind. I’d tell them to step in and to take the lead. Visualizing a golden light surrounding me had served two purposes:
1. to calm my frightened mind, thus allowing inner peace to prevail, 
 2. to serve as a secret code, an agreement between Angels and I, that would give them my permission to do whatever was necessary on my behalf. We’re talking about miracles… 

 Because it felt as if it would take nothing less of a miracle to stop people from mistreating me. 

 “Guys, I am NOT OK with any of this!” I’d point to my Heavenly Guides things that were bothering me the most. Customers treating me like crap, only because they could get away with it was high on the list of my complaints directed to Heaven. 

Then mentally (not without making an effort and feeling enormous discomfort at first) I’d distance myself from the surroundings, while actually remaining fully present in the moment at the same time. I’d let my love for music and my love for driving swipe me away to a different world. A world where laws of physics did not apply. A world where metaphysical and spiritual originates from. Following the rhythm of the music, and by paying a hundred percent of my attention to the activity of driving, I’d enter a state of trance. 

 Rather than judging, either myself or others, I’d simply become an observer. 

 Slowly at first, I’d begin to feel an unconditional love, especially towards my own self. I’d start to feel an enormous sense of compassion for all the beings, again; especially my own self. I’d see clearly how everyone out there is just lost in their desperate search for love. The REAL love. 

 I’d start to feel a sense of peace of which eastern philosophers like to describe as indescribable. 

 Out of the blue then, shocking me to the core, people would start to change their behavior right in front of my eyes. Though I’d remain silent, it was clear that my energy was speaking the volume louder than I could ever do with my vocal cords. It felt as if for the very first time those people were able to see, without any fear of being judged/reprimanded, how ridiculous their behavior looked. How unacceptable, and yes, even abusive ditching their emotional baggage onto my laps was. They’d often verbalize an apology to me, combined with words of gratitude, without me asking to do so. 

 It was anything but easy to allow the reality to unfold itself without putting any restrictions, so the clearing of the energy could take place. Without the “cleansing” of my pain (emotional, mental, and spiritual) my erroneous subconscious set of beliefs could not be reached, and therefore altered consciously to suit me better. 

 With an unshakable sense of belief, as if repeating the words whispered to me by my Angels, I’d say to myself in my mind, while driving, often while wiping the tears: 

“I am not what I think I am. I am more than what the eyes can see. I go above and beyond what this world considers to be time and space. I am bigger than this physical form, this physical reality, or any other worlds/universes that may, or may not exist, combined! I am bigger, more influential even than all the Aliens and their stupid, superior technology. I AM THE technology! I am One with God. I am One with Everyone, and Everything. I AM Everything! And --- I am LOVED!” 

 As difficult and as painful this unorthodox process was at first, as much as it brought bitter tears of pure frustration to my often deeply sad eyes, (and a lot of cursing out loud) it soon started to bring some unexpected “perks” as well. 

 Frequently, and with rare intensity, I’d notice some unusual sensations “traveling” through my body, bringing me a sweet sense of relief. Those inner currents of energy would alter from fresh minty kind, to waves of warmth, and even heat. They would dance effortlessly throughout my entire spine, my extremities, reaching my head and the middle of my forehead. Sometimes it felt as if a gentle rain was dripping on me. I had to remind myself that I was inside a car, that wasn't a convertible, to realize what was really happening to me. My Soul, my very essence was re-uniting with its Creator while letting me witness and enjoy the spectacle of it! 

 As soon as those “kisses from God” would reach my “third eye” I’d feel as if I was floating somewhere around my physical body. 

 It would often start to feel as if my physical eyes, and the circular areas around them, were vigorously vibrating on some different, much higher frequency, adjusting my vision to a different level. 

 I’d start noticing things invisible to human eyes. I’d see the amazing pinkish color of my own aura extending into the world. I’d see the strings of golden energies connecting me from the middle of my forehead with the rest of the world, people including. 

 The more in a state of trance I’d remain, the more visible a white light around every human on the road would become to me. The fun wasn’t ending there. In that state I’d find myself able to do different mind-tricks, like turning every single traffic light onto green on command. I’d literally feel the electricity pulsing through my forehead, my hands and my feet. 

 People would often stare at me, as if they saw an out of space guest that had reached this planet by some technical mistake. 

 For unexplained reasons, strangers would start to feel inclined to share their food and beverages with me. The customers would start to comment on how relaxing it felt to be in my car, and how bizarre it felt to them to reach their destination so promptly despite the rush hour. Many of them would even ask to be taken someplace else, unwilling to get out of the car… 

 “Must be the good music you’re playing.” I’d hear them rationalizing the good sensations they were experiencing. 

 There were many things that I’d find myself able to do with that energy, of which I don't feel like there is a need to “brag” about here. Not only would it take long enough to write an entire book, instead of an article, but it could mislead the reader from the message that I feel I’m supposed to share. 

 The message should be very clear: the physical world IS indeed an ILLUSION, slash Matrix created by us all on a continuous basis. WE ARE the ones who get to decide what this world becomes shaped into: Heaven, or Hell? Yes, WE ARE THAT powerful and that significant! 

 So then, which beliefs will we decide to nourish? Will we follow the Truth, or the Illusion? Are we separate, or are we connected? 

 The real reality is that we have always been and will remain One. The question is; will our external world, this magnificent illusion reflect that, or not? Will we be courageous and willing enough to question, and then let go of our limiting beliefs? Will we stop looking for the solution “out there” and come up with a one that’s actually meaningful and effective; from within? 

 I believe so. It’s not like we really do have another choice… :) 

 To encourage myself and others willing to partake on this what so far, to me at least, had felt like a “mission impossible” journey, and to use it as a daily reminder, I designed different T-shirts with a logo that reads “mission: joy.” The T-shirts (for men, women and children) are available for sale here online, and they ship world-wide. 

 There is no greater joy than being yourself (your TRUE self). Being yourself in this world though, while among other things juggling depression, PTSD and anxiety is not a picnic. Unless you make the effort to reconnect with your “higher self” (and stay connected,) you’ll run into a risk of remaining vulnerable to the outside forces. Unless you join the Force that’s within you, you will continue to feel empty, and undervalued. 

 And that my dear, (feeling empty and undervalued) is not a recipe for a lasting, joyful existence. Neither is trying to fill that void by using different methods of distraction. 

 Let’s then change ourselves and this world together - from within - through implementing a new set of our core belief system. Let’s make it lasting too, while having lots of fun! :) 

 Let’s our joy that’s within help us not only heal from all the traumas of being on this planet, but to shape our individual and collective reality into something extraordinary. In the end, this is who we really are: extraordinary beings with an extraordinary potential/power. Putting it in a simple, more “earthy” way: we (the depressed, unwanted, and persecuted especially) are the “super agents” that came here to make those extraordinary changes. 

 Now that we are no longer “undercover,” and there is no need for us to hide, or to pretend to be someone else ------ the mission: impossible becomes the mission: joy! 

I for one will no longer hide myself from the world in a fear of getting hurt. Screw that. I’ve got an Army of Angels that walk beside me, and who are more than willing to fight my battles, if needed. Besides, I’ve got years of experience of being put down, beaten up, and being tortured mentally, and emotionally especially. Except that now, I am not that frightened little girl anymore who had forgotten her true origins and her true worth… :) 

 Even though, unless I’m in a state of trance, it still freaks me out to experience joy (people with PTSD/anxiety know exactly what I’m talking about) I will not renounce (anymore) my birthright of shining my inner light for the world to see. 

 I will not renounce any longer my birthright to be my authentic self. 

 I will not renounce my birthright --- to be me. 

 My “mission:joy” idea is here to help me to stay focused on my goal. My goal is to get my physical self, my “earthy” self to get used to experiencing and expressing my real, inner joy. Nothing less.

Click on this link to order my "mission: joy" T-shirts, baseball hat, or a bracelet. 

The pictures of me in this article were taken by Brent

January 15, 2015

There's Nothing Wrong With You, My Dear!

You've had a rough time in your life, haven't you?

Me too, by the way, if it makes you feel any better.

But, what's even worse is that you haven't been able to enjoy the few things that did go wright in your life because of the burden that you've been caring in your mind.

You were told from the very beginning that there was something not quite wright about you.

You may even still recall as a kid being asked: "What's wrong with you???!"

Now, as an adult you keep "raping" yourself with that same kind of inquiry...

You are hurting yourself this way and you need to stop doing that.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, my dear!

Do I need to repeat that? OK then: YOU are PERFECT just the way you are, and the only thing that's wrong with you is that you think that there's anything wrong with you...

Your depression, your mood-swings and whatever the hell else that you think is undesirable about you - is just as perfect too.

Let me tell you something: you didn't come to this world to obtain sainthood. You came already as a saint. Yes, it takes a saint person to renounce the total freedom that your Soul is made of, and to take on this enormous challenge of being trapped in a physical body!

So then give yourself a well deserved break, would you?

Stop beating yourself up with that nonsense that's been piled upon you since you were little. You are simply magnificent, and I'm here to remind you about that. You are priceless, and it's time that your outside world starts to reflect that.

And yes, you ARE the center of the universe! Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.

What, you think because you get angry, for example, that you don't "qualify" for perfection? My dear, your anger is what makes you perfect. Your anger is a beautiful emotion that's been misunderstood, and therefore mistreated by pretty much everyone. Your anger is like a fire, or a hot volcanic lava that burns whatever needs to be destroyed, so the new life, the new beginning can form.

From now on stop apologizing for getting mad. 

Oh, so you think you're lazy? Can you explain to me then how is it that your entire body, including your precious mind, is working full time, 24/7? What, you doubt that it takes a lot of energy for your heart to pump that blood throughout your entire body? Or, do you think it's easy for your liver to keep sorting between the nutrients and all the other crap that needs to be expelled?

Have you ever tried cleaning your house, especially your bathroom?... When you were done, were you exhausted from it or did you feel like you were ready to take on the world...?

If your body ain't lazy (if you're reading this, I assume you're alive, so it means it didn't quit working) and you are part of your body, then why do you insist on proving to the world that you're anything but lazy?

Fire the word "laziness" from your dictionary. Or give it a new meaning...

The list can go on and on.

Stop trying to change yourself. Change your perception of who you think you are. 

 Little bit about me:

Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is a former fashion model, author and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, and realizing that only she could change her mind, Elzbieta overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening, a story that forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on

December 21, 2014

Don't Feel Bad When You Snap

People affected by depression are the most sensitive individuals you'll ever encounter. What you don't know though is that they pay a very high price for being this sensitive. 

Their sensitivity makes them vulnerable to the outside world built on self-serving values, which are excused with sayings like "survival of the fittest." 

Depressed people are often guilty of making one of the biggest mistakes - putting others needs before their own.

They have a tendency to keep everything bottled up until they can no longer control their justified (very much so) rage. 

Then one day they finally snap...

What happens next is even worse... Immediately after "losing it" they become easy targets for unsolicited judgment and criticism coming from every direction.  

Friends and family start to fire suggestions: "Maybe it's time to see a shrink?" 

At the shrink's office they learn that even though their feelings about this particular situation were valid, their response to it was not...  

So what do they do? The only thing they've been allowed to do so far; keep suppressing their emotions even further...

And so the cycle continues...

Well, isn't it time to break it? I'd say so. 

If you suffer from depression don't expect others to break the cycle for you. You will have to be the one who breaks that chain. 

How? Very simple. You need to make a conscious decision to allow yourself to get mad without feeling bad about it.


Do not apologize for it. Ever! Do not go over in your head, how you should have reacted differently, how you shouldn't have said what you said, and so on and on. STOP IT. Stop yourself from beating yourself up. Don't you see what that's been doing to you? 

Haven't you had enough of being "pissed on" by others? 

I'll tell you something that might be news to you: those you've just snapped at rarely question their ways of treating others.

Sometimes people need to hear what they need to hear. And they need to hear it without sugar coating, without that sweetness in your tone, which they've taken for granted. Am I right? 

Next time when you "lose it," take a moment to observe your thoughts closely. Do you feel the urge to reassure others that you're OK, and not mad anymore even though you know it's not true? If so, you're doing it wrong... 

Be honest. Enough pretending for the sake of troubling others.

Regroup yourself immediately. "To hell with it!" is a phrase that helps me to not feel guilty for finally having the courage to stand up for myself, or as others would say; "snapping." 

Try it, and you'll see how good it feels. Not the snapping part, but the relief that comes from knowing you're not a bad person for expressing your true feelings.

You'll also see how promptly people start showing you more respect. They'll start taking you less for granted too.

This is what it's called: setting healthy boundaries. 

Don't be afraid of rocking the boat. Would you rather that boat end up sinking, unable to sustain itself under the load of crap that's been piled on for so long? 

Little bit about me:

Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is a former fashion model, author and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, and realizing that only she could change her mind, Elzbieta overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening, a story that forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on

December 18, 2014

Being Too Nice Contributes to Depression

There is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring.

To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people's approval. I know, it's easier said than done. But no one said it'd be easy...

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often they are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered... 

For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn't matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else's. It seemed as if I was always living someone else's life. 

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else's life and looked deep within... 

Someone Else's Life

I was the child who was "too young to understand things" and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren't able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; "children should be seen but not heard."

Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who'd find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others. 

I wasn't myself. I wasn't who I am. I was a "slave" to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did. 

How tiring was that! How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it...

All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least.... 'till they get tired of it. 

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you...

Well, there is. And it's a bright one, too! 

You've heard the phrase: "You teach people how to treat you" but you've ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not "lady-like." 

Well dear, who the fuck gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you - it shouldn't be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY. 

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you've guessed it -  it's you again. 

Just remember this: if you care too much - others will care too little... If you remain too available - others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture...

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that's OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief... Stare back at them without blinking. 

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what's right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it's time to do something else for a living. 

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way. 

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with... YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. They've accused you of it so many times before, now it's time for you to show others how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business... :) 

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It's time to release it. 

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone. 

This is how you start to love yourself... 

Little bit about me:

Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is a former fashion model, author and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, and realizing that only she could change her mind, Elzbieta overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening, a story that forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on

Top picture taken by Deb McGuire

September 24, 2014

Developing Psychic Abilities is Actually Easy

Recently I've noticed that at times I'm able to "sense" otherwise unknown information about strangers I encounter.  

The first time this happened to me I was in a car with a woman whom I just met literally few minutes before. While chatting with her I almost immediately begun to have a feeling that I was in a "presence" of diabetes.  

The strange sensation and my persistent thoughts "confirming" it weren't simply going away.  So I finally changed the topic of our conversation with a direct question:

"Do you have a diabetes?" I asked. 

The woman squinted her eyes while looking straight at me.

"Yes, I do." She answered. 

I explained to her the reason why I asked such personal question. She seemed more intrigued than surprised. 

About a week later, I met a guy who within the time frame of introduction, before he even got the chance to speak, gave me a feeling that he was from New York City. It was that same strong sensation I had when conversing with the woman who had diabetes. Curious to know whether in fact my intuition has been sharpening lately, I asked him:

"Are you from New York City?" 

He turned his head around to look, I guess, for the possible source of my information. I laughed. 

"How did you know?" He asked me in reply. I explained to him what has been happening to me lately. 

"This is freaking me out!" He said half jokingly, half seriously. 

I know, this stuff is pretty new to me too, but I have some ideas as for what could be responsible for my ability to know things in such intuitive way. 

Reason number 1: 

I believe that  a while ago when I made a conscious decision to always follow my heart and to never ignore my gut feeling, was when I started to enhance my psychic abilities. I am convinced that every single one of us is born with such skills. While growing up we lose this incredibly useful tool since we are taught at an early age to ignore (suppress) our feelings. 

In the society we live in, being well educated, being smart and clever is more important than being intuitive. If you think about it; almost everyone seems to value more the level of IQ over the inner wisdom. And that's what sharpened intuition (psychic abilities) is -- an inner wisdom we all possess, and which sadly only few seem to be able to access. 

It only makes sense that unless we use something on regular basis, we run into a risk of losing it....

So, if we continue to keep giving all the importance to our minds, and our brains, while ignoring our feelings, chances are we'll never know how truly intelligent we are! 

Reason number 2:

I have a good reason to suspect that my decision of becoming a vegan had also something to do with this phenomena. Since my assuming of this drastic change in my dietary habits, I've noticed that my mind has been a lot more sharper as well. I tend to "pick up" on people's energy a lot faster, and with more accuracy than I used to when eating "regular" food. 

No matter what I am being told, and no matter what body language the person I'm conversing with is assuming, I can sense whether I'm hearing the truth, or not. It does get very interesting. I admit, I've been having some fun with it... :) 

This "phenomena" (I feel like not being able to do this is more phenomenal-like, actually) continues to amuse me. It seems to be not limited to space, for example. I can have those sensations while conversing with someone online who's distant from me as well. 

The "funny" part is that all this hasn't been freaking me out at all. It seems perfectly natural. I feel as we're all able to do so. 

Finally, reason number 3:

I've got a feeling that my decision of consciously forgiving and accepting everything, including myself, had a lot to do with this recent development. 

It's almost as if forgiveness and acceptance had cleared whatever negative energies I've been surrounding myself with for so long. Forgiveness, as well as gratitude and positive thinking allowed me to access, what some might call; a higher level of energy. Hence, it's very probable that my recent experiences are "sponsored" by higher vibrations. 

Visualizing of what I desire, (as opposed to focusing on what I hate) as well as acting as if I already have everything I want, may have also a lot do with with all this. 

Obviously, all those observations are simply my conclusions, not some scientific facts, of which I really don't care too much about.  

If you've enjoyed this article share your opinion (experience) below in the comments' section. :) 

Have a great day everyone! 

August 12, 2014

How I Intend to Re-Revolutionize the Entire Mental Health Care System

Someone had asked me today: "Why do you want to re-revolutionize the entire mental health care system, and how exactly do you plan to accomplish that?" 

The question made me realize how confused we've all been when it comes to this topic. The phenomena of depression and suicide particularly has been misunderstood greatly, for ages. We've made some baby-steps when it comes to talking openly about those issues, but we still have long way ahead of us.

Overall, the media still seems to prefer discussing some frivolous topics over those serious ones, and there is nothing more serious than death through suicide...

You don't see that many guest-speakers on late night TV shows talking extensively about depression. I guess when it comes to programs on TV, same rule applies here as in every day life - Let's all stay away from the negativity!

Depression and suicide are obviously viewed that way. Bringing the painful subject up in a conversation is considered to be such a buzz-killer. If you happened to be the brave one, and you try mentioning it, watch how fast everyone around you just starts to remember that they had something else to do, that they had to be someplace else...

With the world losing yesterday Robin Williams due to depression and suicide, suddenly there seems to be panic spreading around. Suddenly, more and more people realize that positive attitude, lots of laughter, being admired by millions, and a life-style to be dreamed of - is not enough to keep anyone safe from depression. 

Suddenly, it becomes unmistakably obvious that even the best rehab centers do not necessarily know what they are doing... 

Now, who am I to dare to even suggest that I know what it takes to successfully overcome depression? I don't have PhD in psychology (and thank God for that,) nor am I any type of doctor. But I have my experience. For over three decades I've battled with depression and suicidal tendencies. 

I was able to overcome my life's biggest challenge when I finally, after numerous suicide attempts, decided to dig for the answers within myself. My website describes this inner journey that I took, and what I've discovered. My book describes my journey around the world, which eventually led me towards looking within myself. 

So to answer the previous question: I intend to re-revolutionize the entire mental health care system by doing what I've been doing here. By sharing with the world my experience, and yes, my knowledge too. By encouraging others to look within themselves. By inspiring others to talk openly about their depression without feeling embarrassment, or any kind of discomfort. 

By serving as a poster-child for depression and suicide, if you will. 

By living my life to its fullest... By reminding anyone who's in the dark right now, that there is indeed a light at the end of this tunnel called depression...  

Little bit about me:

Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is a former fashion model, author and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, and realizing that only she could change her mind, Elzbieta overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening, a story that forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on

July 17, 2014

Don't Be Afraid of Me

When I was depressed and suicidal people always seemed to shy away from me. Even my own family appeared to be intimidated by me and my condition. No one knew how to talk to me. 

I could see the fear in everyone's eyes and in their body language. I could sense it in the energy coming from them.

It hurt like hell. It made me feel rejected, unwanted and overall gross. Sometimes I even wondered if I smelled bad... I used to keep checking my breath by blowing the air into the palm of my hand in an attempt to figure out whether my bad breath was the reason for the apparent discomfort I was causing in others. 

I used to wonder: "Am I talking too much? Am I too self-involved? Am I too self-centered? Why is everyone in such a hurry to walk away from me?" 

But nothing I had ever tried made any difference. The more I continued with trying to please others, the more annoyed everyone seemed to be with me. 

In school no one wanted to sit next to me. At home wasn't that much different. Everyone was involved with their own existence. Mine had way too much darkness around it and no one was eager to have their energy sucked by it. 

Loneliness and the sense of being a burden to others were the closest "friends" I had. 

I was overwhelmed with a sense of feeling ashamed. Ashamed of not having a real friends. Ashamed of always having to be by myself. When I finally got married in my mid-thirties, I remember thinking to myself: 

"I finally met someone who's not afraid of being around me. Well now everyone will know that there is nothing wrong with me. People won't be afraid of me anymore. The women won't have to picture in their heads me going after their husbands. I won't pose any threat to them anymore. Everyone will know that I am normal. Everyone will know that I am acceptable."

Luckily for me, when I finally started the process of my 'inner healing,' I begun to see my old way of thinking for what it was -- a pure nonsense. 

I stopped caring about what others thought of me. I released the fear of being not approved. In order to do that, I forced myself to accept everything completely. I forced myself to forgive and accept the rejection. It was the only way for me in which I was able to heal this old emotional wound that I made myself carry around for so long. I finally embraced myself.

And so here I am today, doing everything I can to assist others with doing the same. I'm grateful for having allowed myself the change from within me to finally take place. I'm grateful for the possibility to encourage the positive change in the world around me as well.

I want to see people not being afraid of anyone anymore. I want this world to be a place where judgment and bad stigmas derived from it are considered to be totally uncool. I want to see people hugging each other more often. I wanna live in a neighborhood where neighbors view each other as extended family. Where no one is forced to lock their doors, or their hearts for that matter. Where children are being raised with love by the entire "village" as opposed to being left alone in front of the big TVs.

Where resources are being gladly shared. Where the diversities are being cherished, celebrated and utilized as an exciting way of learning new things.

I wanna find myself living in a new world in which indifference, intolerance and hatred is just something that we can all barely recall...

Consciously or subconsciously -- this is what every depressed person wishes for.

This is why we get depressed in the first place...

If you're reading this and you're depressed, I challenge you to help to heal this world by starting to forgive and accept yourself, others, and everything around you.

If on the other hand you've never had the privilege of going through prolonged depression in your life, I challenge you to renounce the fear of depression and people affected by it. I challenge you to make their journey of the recovery a lot less bumpy by showing them that even though you can't fully understand them, that you support them. Just keep in mind that a depressed person is a human being desperately attempting to break free from the limiting boundaries created by our human minds.

Little bit about me:

Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is a former fashion model, author and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, and realizing that only she could change her mind, Elzbieta overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening, a story that forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on

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