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A More Comprehensive Guide To Overcoming Depression -- Be A Free Thinker!

December 18, 2014

Being Too Nice Contributes to Depression



There is such a thing as being too nice, too giving and too caring.

To overcome depression you must stop the habit of bending over to gain people's approval. I know, it's easier said than done. But no one said it'd be easy...

Those who are affected by depression tend to be people-pleasers. And yet, ironically, quite often they are viewed by others as selfish and self-centered... 

For over three decades I believed in that crap myself. I believed I was selfish and self-involved. I was convinced I had nothing to offer. I also thought that it didn't matter what I thought. That my opinion was less important than anyone else's. It seemed as if I was always living someone else's life. 

Finally, after two major brain seizures caused by a suicide attempt, I stopped living someone else's life and looked deep within... 

Someone Else's Life

I was the child who was "too young to understand things" and therefore to make decisions. My life was run by the grown ups, who weren't able to see the serious damage caused by the primitive belief such as; "children should be seen but not heard."

Then later, I became an young adult, clinging to any guy who'd find anything whatsoever appealing in me. At that time my looks seemed to have the only value in the eyes of others. 

I wasn't myself. I wasn't who I am. I was a "slave" to anyone who was willing to have me in their life. The fear of rejection always steered my thoughts into the direction that led others to benefit from it more than I did. 

How tiring was that! How exhausting it is having to constantly put others before your own self! And how little reward you get at the end of it...

All this, so you can can keep deluding yourself that someone cares about you, at least enough to stick around. For a while, at least.... 'till they get tired of it. 

Then what do you do when the inevitable happens and when they leave? You blame yourself, of course. Consciously, or subconsciously, your already low self-esteem gets reinforced. It spirals downward in a lightening speed and you get even more depressed, thinking that there is no tomorrow for you...

Well, there is. And it's a bright one, too! 

You've heard the phrase: "You teach people how to treat you" but you've ignored it so far. Maybe because when you did try to stand up for yourself it always seemed to have back fired. You might even had finally snapped and told others to fuck off, which they deserved to hear, only to find yourself being labeled as too aggressive and not "lady-like." 

Well dear, who the fuck gives a damn? Who cares what others think and, or say? Let me just remind you - it shouldn't be you. There is only one person in this entire world whose opinion should matter to you, and that is YOU and you ONLY. 

There is only one person in this entire Universe that needs your pleasing, and that person is you.

There is only one person who needs your caring the most, and yes, you've guessed it -  it's you again. 

Just remember this: if you care too much - others will care too little... If you remain too available - others will always remain too busy for you. Without even being apologetic about it, people will always make you wait for them, making you feel as if your time is not nearly as valuable as theirs. You get the picture...

You will encounter resistance from those around you when you start making those long-overdue changes, but that's OK. Have fun with it. See that sense of amusement on their faces and that sense of disbelief... Stare back at them without blinking. 

Be prepared to deal with the consequences of having the courage to do what's right for you. In your mind let go of the fear of not having that job in case your boss decides to fire you. Maybe it means it's time to do something else for a living. 

Be ready to let go of your significant other if s/he continues to refuse to treat you in a new, more loving and respectful way. 

Make yourself OK with being alone for now. Make yourself comfortable with being with... YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out exactly what your needs and desires are and then become unstoppable in fulfilling them! Be selfish. They've accused you of it so many times before, now it's time for you to show others how selfish you can really be! Show them that you mean business... :) 

Renounce the guilt. Let go of it. Completely. It's time to release it. 

Be your number one. Be bold. Be spontaneous. Learn to be yourself in every situation and around everyone. 

This is how you start to love yourself... 

Little bit about me:


Now residing in Honolulu, Hawaii, Polish-born Elzbieta Pettingill is a former fashion model, author and survivor of depression. She suffered abuse and rape in her childhood, and was subsequently diagnosed with a depression that followed her from childhood through to adulthood. Let down by the medical and psychological establishments, and realizing that only she could change her mind, Elzbieta overcame her depression in her 30’s through a process of conscious spiritual awakening, a story that forms the basis of her book: “Life Realized” – available now on Amazon.com

Top picture taken by Deb McGuire

42 comments:

Apart from the abuse and rape bit that could be me talking! I found comfort first in my spiritual journey which lead me from New Age to Jesus. And by Jesus I don't mean the Christian Jesus, I mean my Jesus - The rebel with a cause. The Maveric. The original feminist with Buddhist principles. My best friend ever. Contoversial? Discuss!

This article resounded with me sssssoooo much!

Bravo! Sounds so familiar. I still struggle but I'm getting there!

This is a great one.. My brother has the exact the same problem...

I thought she was writing about me! Real eye opener!

Wow...this is so me. Years and years of thinking no matter what I did it wouldn't be good enough and I will never measure up to other's expectations and always thinking I was the lowest form of life because of the shame I felt because of what others have done to me. I still feel this way and I know one of these days I will be free.

My psychologist tell me to put myself first and stop going out of the way for others.

This is so me aswell only problem ive got is my age im 62 this year and trying to change now is going to be sooooo hard . Saying that im trying my hardest . All you youngsters respect yourselves hold your head up and give the depression a swift kick your all beautiful people

Anonymous lady (March 28) you are so lovely. And its never too late. Bet you actually feel 48,38 or 28 inside? Go for it!

I need to start putting my self first I always put others first before me and I always seem to get let down . Reading this had made me think that's me as I suffer depression so I need to put me first for once.

Yes, and ALSO, remember that it is OK to care for others as long as it is actually THEM - and not their approval, and not a relationship with them - that you care about. If your goal in caring for someone else is to get something out of it for yourself (people-pleasing) then that is not authentic caring.

best article about depression I have ever read and summed up my life to a tee! Thank you so much, it's good to know it's not just me :-)

Thank you, I appreciate that. And no, it's not just you..... ;)

Eureka! I never have met or have spoken to someone who gets it. It is me to a T. So much so that now it's easier to shut myself away and retreat to the safety of my home feeling safe is so important protecting myself from all the fears outside my bubble but even that can't stop my head worrying and the anxiety is all consuming. Thank you its so good to know I'm not alone and slowly going mad!.

It's nice to see you have done some research to back your claim, oh wait you don't. Well I'm done being an asshole... hey I feel less depressed already

lol good job i'm not being nice then because your book cover looks absolutely terrible. And the fact that you use a terrible website like blogger explains a lot. Wannabe life coach

Well the irony is previous commenter that she wont care about your negative comments...wannabe troll?

Yes so so me . now turning 40 .... i can't and won't be taking it anymore .. i am starting to say fuck off ... its my time ...my life ..

Wow! This is my life! It's good to know that there are others out there who feel the same.

I've recently found your blog and I am SO GLAD I can't tell you... From sentence to sentence I am just wowed. I feel like you were in my head, writing thoughts...And writing just what I desperately need to hear. And It really makes me feel so much better reading this. Thank you.

Super glad to hear that Lina! You deserve to feel good... ;)

Besides from rape and abuse its all me..miss
Elzbieta u have found peace in yourself but i am still figuring it out. But i dont know how to start??

Can't thank you enough for this! :D :')
I have been struggling since 11 years to BE ME!!!
Today, when I read your article, trust me,I could LITERALLY feel you because I have been in this position , still am but now I know how to bring out the best in me.
All thanks to you ma'am :')
Keep inspiring and lifting up depressed spirits!
May God be with you and bless you always :)

Thank you for sharing your story! I also have had similar situations. I recently had to tell a friend to "f" off because she is dealing with too many of her own issues. I was always there for her, but she could not be bothered when I really needed a simple favor from her. I keep learning and growing! It's hard sometimes, but I love me more now than ever before. I hope to use my own experiences to help others as I learn and grow more in grad school for counseling this fall. :-)

Terrific post. I've taken the liberty of sharing this to my own blog, with full credits to you, of course :-) , I hope you don't mind. Many thanks
https://shamazen.wordpress.com/being-too-nice-contributes-to-depression/

No not at all. l do appreciate credits and the link to my website. Your website looks great btw. :)

So is it really that simple? All we have to do is provide our bodies with an abundance of these vitamins & minerals and our depression will suddenly vanish? We just eat the right foods, take the right supplements, and we're cured, just like that? To some degree, yes.

Hello Elzbieta

I from Japan.(Sorry for my bad inglish)
I am in treating depression now.It is such severe. So many times I wanted to suicide.Recently, I have fond your websit. I just want to say that, thank you so much for excellent websit ,I love it. I belive your websit will help so many people.

Thank you Anonymous from Japan! l'm very glad my article was translated to Japanese and French. lf anyone wants to share them with friends that don't speak English here are the links:
(Japanease) http://tabi-labo.com/157678/being-too-nice/
(French) http://sain-et-naturel.com/voici-pourquoi-etre-trop-gentil-peut-causer-la-depression.html


I just wanted to say that at my age 39 I have spent my whole life wishing my mother would recognise how her selfishness affected her children. She has never and she is ur age. I salute you for realising it is never too late to try! I have battled with depression my whole life so I know the intense stuggle. The fact that you acknowledge you hold the key to ur own happiness means you will succeed in finding a way to deal with it. U hold the key and I wish you all the positivity in the world to help you a long. I salute you :-)

i read this post today, i started crying. I have never told these things to anyone in my entire life. I thought i was the only one who thinks like this. Thanks for sharing. This page made me happy today after a really long time.
God Bless you.

True and more common than we expect.Thanks.

absoulutly inspiring it has opened my eyes I have bought your book can I just ask did you have any withdrawel from medication x

Great post, told my wife years ago that she was to Nice, she read your blog and now she really understands my point, she is getting better at it every day. Thanks

Described me to a T... Great Advice.

Described me to a T... Great Advice.

Hi admin,
I really like it, I have also a blog which is related with you, which is about anxiety depression disorder.
Many people seem to be born with the disorder because it surfaces at such an early period of their lives.
Depending on how troubled an individual is, the condition might make normal thought processes impossible.
anxiety depression disorder



Thanks,

uzzal

This sounds like me. What actions did you take on your road to change? I feel stuck not knowing how to improve myself and to finally figure out me and what I want for a change.

This article sums up my perspective at the moment. Today I realized I needed to forgive myself, that a lot of my issues are not entirely my fault. Like most, I wasn't given a fair start in life, and childhood trauma, surrounding negativity and dysfunction, abuse, and neglect has a domino-like or cascading effect on later problems in life. Problems which you end up blaming yourself for, which might feed into your low self esteem that really originated in childhood. We have to break the cycles of abuse by healing and understanding. I find I project my unmet childhood needs onto others as an adult too much, as in, I am too nice, too focused on others, to caring and wanting to please others. That is a bad habit linked to childhood self esteem issues. While many people would look at me and my life and be very jealous and not understand how I can be so 'lucky' in life and feel depressed, so they might see me as simply conceited or ungrateful. But depression's plagued me since childhood, severely, and while I've healed a lot, I've still some more to go. It's not something so easy to snap out of and completely rewire your brain/mind around to a better way. I've also heard depression is anger turned inwards. But most importantly, we need to have forgiveness. I just found this blog and the title really appeals to me.

Thank you for sharing such wonderful information! Keep a healthy life by consuming healthy food and doing exercise regularly.



Interesting blog and I really like your work and must appreciate you work for the Wesley Chapman nice work..
Wesley Chapman on Impact Theory

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